My Top 50 Greatest Hero Moments, 20 -11

20-11

 

Just a reminder…

All Hero Moments were scored 1-5 on;

  1. Importance to plot outcome (ITPO)
  2. Importance to character development (ITCD)
  3. Emotiveness
  4. Badass-ness
  5. Animation
  6. Effect on Villain(s) mental state (EOVMS)

These criteria are also ranked in order of importance, so that in cases of equal scoring, two or more HM can be separated by which scored higher on the first criterion in the above list. If that score is also the same than I referred to the next one, if that was also the same, I proceeded to the following one, and so on and so forth.

 

20 – Hunter x Hunter, Chimera Ants Saga

Gon’s Rage Transformation vs Pitou – 24

When someone posts a spoiler on their facebook.

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ITPO = 2,  because all though this transformation allowed him to pummel the sin out of and then back into Pitou, he couldn’t maintain it long enough to use it against the main enemy of the story arc.

ITCD = 4, Obviously this was a major turning moment for Gon, and showed you how monstrously strong he could become in future, as well as how far he’s prepared to go to seek vengeance for those he cares about. However, it misses out on top marks because we never see this form again and thus don’t really know of its usefulness in his future battles.

Emotiveness = 4, This scene was set up in the perfect HM way, someone you love is hurt, then you lose your marbles in an almost satanic rage, and transform into a being of pure unadulterated vengeance. I was truly thrilled to the bone watching this, however, it did get a little – watching a grown man kick a puppy – towards the end, so it just misses out on full marks.

Badassness = 5, Had to be a straight five! how can you not adorn that number onto an individual, who let himself become the devil’s Etch-a-sketch so he could level up into emperor quadriceps?! Epic, powerful, brutal and deadly.

Animation = 5, This too was excellent, and well above the average level for the series (which is good). I always feel that black and white rough sketch style is great for depicting madness.

EOVMS = 4, The effect of seeing a pre-pubescent boy turn into a homicidal Mr Olympia was immense, as you could imagine. Pitou was fearful and dumbfounded, however she never lost the will to fight back, and also the Arcs main villain never saw Gon in this form, further hindering it from scoring full points.

 

19 – Bleach, The Espada Arc

Ichigo’s resurrection vs Ulquiora – 24

And it was at this point that Jimmy realised he f***** up.

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ITPO = 3, This bone chilling transformation of ass whoppery, although allowing my boi Kurosaki to annihilate Ulquiora (one of the main enemies of the arc), didn’t last long enough for him to be able to use it on the main foe – Aizen.

ITCD = 4, A very important moment, as it showed the fullness of the hollow powers that have been teased since the start of the soul society arc, a power that allowed him to cheat death. However, it misses out on full marks as we never again saw its use for the remainder of the Anime.

Emotiveness = 5, I spent the whole episode making animal noises at my laptop screen! what an incredibly aggressive and powerfully depicted character power up. I think this is my most memorable bleach moment. I’m sure this transformation could have beat Aizen, maybe not after he fused with the Hogyoku, but definitely in his soul reaper form.

Badassness = 5, It cheated death, became so powerfully steeped in a lust for vengeance, it lost its higher brain functions, yet STILL developed telekinesis. WHAT?!

Animation = 4, A very well animated episode and transformation, but nothing exceptional or outside the realms of expectation for a premier moment, in terms of artistic style or technique.

EOVMS = 3, This only gets an average score because, although Ulquiora was startled, and a certain points amazed, he never lost the will to fight or the belief that he could win. He even found a semblance of peace in his demise.

 

18 – Naruto Shippuuden, 4th great Ninja war saga.

Minato Flying Raijin Lv2 vs Tobi – 24

When you Minato became Neo, Morpheus and Jesus in one move!

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ITPO = 4, The meaning in this moment was that it allowed the ‘good guys to gain valuable combat knowledge on the mysterious interdimensionally phasing ‘Tobi’. Not to mention stall him enough to prevent to complete destruction of the Leaf and allow his wife to give birth to Uzamaki Naruto. But, ultimately it didn’t kill his foe or stop Tobi’s Master plan.

ITCD = 4, It allowed us to see that battle intelligence, and the full power of his teleportation jutsu. This move also showed that he had surpassed the 2nd Hokage and current Raikage in terms of speed. However, due to the fact that we never saw this particular Jutsu again it misses out on full marks.

Emotiveness = 5, WHEN I TELL YOU THE MAN BECAME NEO, MORPHEUS AND JESUS IN ONE MOVE, I MEAN IT!

Badassness = 4, The only reason this doesn’t get a 5 is because it’s awesomeness is too clean-cut, like a hollywood summer blockbuster, and not a death-defying moment that flirts with evility.

Animation = 4, Beautifully animated, with awesome-sauce dripping all over that slow motion. But nothing new, different or out of the box.

EOVMS = 3, For all of Minato’s brilliance, Tobi never seemed particularly overwhelmed or phased. Although you did sense that he gained respect for the hokage’s battle prowess.

 

17 – One Piece, Thriller Bark Arc

Zoro absorbing all of Luffy’s damage & fatigue against Geko Moria –24

Is Zoro stronger than Luffy????!!!!!!! Nah man, this guy has been moving mad for the longest. I WANT ANSWERS.

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ITPO = 5, Without this exchange, Luffy and the straw hat crew would have been killed or at least imprisoned. Possibly, putting a definitive end to their epic journey to the One Piece. Therefore maximum points are fully deserved.

ITCD = 4, Apart from the impressive insinuation that Zoro is at least capable of handling as much damage as Luffy if not more, this moment begins in earnest the sub plot of whether or not Zoro is stronger the his Captain, and therefore paints all further power ups and physical demonstrations of sword wielding excellence in a different light.

Emotiveness = 3, This unlike other more titillating HM, wasn’t an OMG punch your brother in the gut moment, but more of a mumble under your breath while fiddling with your goatee moment.

Badassness = 5, If you tell me that absorbing all of somebody else’s PAIN and FATIGUE on top of your own post battle shellacking to save their life and that of your whole crew isn’t the height of badassery? Then please absorb somebody else’s post leg day DOMS on top of your own Leg Day DOMS, then come and talk to me. IF, you still have any fully attached knee ligaments.

Animation = 3, Pretty average and typical of what one would expect from One Piece. that’s not to say that it’s poor.

EOVMS = 4, This can be summed up simply, by the fact that the ‘enemy’ was so impressed by this action that he completely reversed his mission. In fact, he went one step further and actually helped them further their mission.

 

16 – Dragon Ball Super, Goku Black Saga

Trunks defeating Zamasu with a spirit bomb sword – 24

Where do a start with this one…? With his spontaneous God level power up? or The Ability to summon the spirit bomb?A move we’ve never seen him use, one that took Goku intense training to master. Then miraculously exhibiting God level Ki control to turn it into a freekin sword!

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ITPO = 5, Obviously this slightly perplexing event scores maximum points because it was the ultimate act in the conclusion of this story arc. Something that can’t always be said for most HM.

ITCD = 4, Any power up of newly demonstrated move is going to be of importance to character development, however, this misses out of full marks due to the fact that it presents us with more questions about this ingenious character. Questions that may never be answered because he’s not part of ‘our’ DB time line.

Emotiveness = 4, Still can’t decide if I was more confused or amazing at these series of events. Regardless, both still fall into the category of emotiveness, and thus this HM scores highly.

Badassness = 3, Although turning a spirit bomb into a sword bigger than Zangetsu is pretty badass, as I mentioned before the move’s righteousness, and low risk nature lessens it’s edge (no pun intended).

Animation = 4, A very well animated sequence from start to finish, providing the kind of flashy beat down we all want to see! but exceptional? not quite.

EOVMS = 4, Zamasu was completely bewildered by the fact that his fused God powers were being put to the sword, crumbling and losing his composure like a digestive biscuit in an old folks home.  But, he still tried to fight on albeit to no avail.

 

15 – One Piece, Enies Lobby Arc

Gear 2nd first time –  24.5

SWEET BURNING HOT RUBBER FISTS! Ingenious, Jaw dropping and fantastical. The first HM of its type in One Piece for me. #muchneeded

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ITPO = 4, Gave Bluno the kind of high-speed beat down the Flash would tip his hat too! but as this enemy wasn’t the No.1 adversary of the arc I can’t give it full marks.

ITCD = 5, Nothing but a full fat juicy five marks would do for a ‘transformation’ that allowed him to demonstrate his own brilliant mastery of his devil fruit. Not to mention how ‘weaker’ non logia type devil fruit powers, are far more subtle and complex in their potential to provide incredible abilities. It also laid the foundation for his many further and more impressive devil fruit shenanigans. Red Hawk sandwich anyone?

Emotiveness = 4.5, I sat staring cross-eyed at my phone for an eon trying to decide whether this was a 5 or a 4…but in my experience of this list, if it’s that hard a decision, it’s not a 5. Thus, i folded like a wet envelope and awarded it a swedish neutral 4.5.

Badassness = 4,  Luffy consistently puts himself in mortal danger to achieve his goals, and this is no different, pumping blood around his body so fast that he glows red like a F1 brake pad is reckless in the extreme, but i thank him everyday for it.

Animation = 4, Excellent, and above the series average, but not exceptional. A bit like my home-made french toast.

EOVMS = 3, The enemy was definitely surprised by this dramatic power up, but didn’t at any point lose the will to fight, or show any deep fear for his life.

 

14 – Naruto, Sound Ninja Five Arc

Choji Butterfly red pill form vs Jiroba – 24.5

The guy just ate some any ball of candy, and achieved instantaneous pengness! NANDESKA?! Do you know how many muscles ups it would take the average keyboard warrior to achieve this?? Easily the greatest HM of any C list anime character.

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ITPO = 4.5, Although he did defeat one of the sound Ninja five, who without his glorious intervention would have joined the remaining sound ninja and by virtue of greater numbers probably defeated the remaining Leaf shinobi. This however, Is not certain and even with this victory there was still a number of variables at play, this missing out on a full score.

ITCD = 4, Like all that score highly on this criteria it was a major moment for the character, showing that he could run with the best of them. However, we didn’t see how this power developed him as a ninja until the 4th great ninja war, and even then it seemed a bit under powered considering what he was capable of as a boy.

Emotiveness = 5, Was there any doubt i would give this a Niki Minaj ass shaking 5?? of course not. It single-handedly gave me more respect for the overweight and nutritionally challenged. I never looked at butterflies or the colour blue in the same way again.

Badassness = 4, The badass gains of a prison court-yard training regime, with all the sudden weight loss of a terminal illness. Brilliant.

Animation = 4, Very well done, like with most dramatic moments, the extra time and money was spent to make it stand out above the average episode animations, however not a patch on the very best animated fight scenes in Naruto. You know what they are…

EOVMS= 3, Same issues as Luffy’s gear second, so i won’t repeat myself, and instead will go do some push ups.

 

13 – Attack On Titan, Season 1

Eren Jeager’s first transformation into titan – 24.5

This was so epic because for the first time in an anime I genuinely believed the lead character had died! A feat DBZ never quite mastered thanks to Kakarot having more lives than Highlander.  No to mention the fact that he became the very thing he hated most, all in the name of burst out of your mouth VENGEANCE.

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ITPO = 5, Funny thing is about the way AOT is released, is that we’re barely even into the main story arc, and in fact i pretty much spend most episodes in ignorant bliss. But one thing i can say for certain, is that without this transformation everything and everyone he loves would be dead or traumatised into a permanent fetal position by the end of the episode, let alone the first season.

ITCD = 5, For the same reason as above, this scores very highly, and as we’ve seen repeatedly since that gory day, this transformation is and will (for better or worse) continue to be quintessential to his physical and mental development for the rest of the series.

Emotiveness = 4.5, when you gesticulate violently at the resurrection of a 2 dimensional character that was never even alive to begin with, you know that you’ve fully caught feelings.

Badassness= 5, He was eaten alive, did a one-armed breast-stroke in its guts, got angry, reverse fisted it’s esophagus, then became a Titan.

Animation = 4, For a series as brilliantly animated as this one, it’s not easy to score full marks, even though this was given the proper treatment, other HM within the show are more standout-ish in terms of visuals.

EOVMS = 1, This cores so low for two simple reasons, his current enemies – the titans, are completely vacant upstairs, meaning they have no concept of fear and pain. The other, is that all the teased ‘superior’ titans, seem to both know about this ability of some humans to turn into titans, and not be fazed by it either. Especially that talking orangutan one, he’s calmly moving like some murderous Berbatov.

 

12 – Dragon Ball Z, Majin Buu Saga

Vegeta letting himself be controlled by Babidi just to power up –  25

Meaningless huh..? WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF MEANINGLESS??!!

A controversial choice, but let me explain; Vegeta is a fully fledged a citizen of earth (house, wife, kids and dat), and although he kills innocent people in the stadium (Probably chelsea fans), his main goal is just to get stronger a defeat Kakarot. Once that is achieved I firmly believe he would have used this power to defeat those that threatened the earth.

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ITPO = 2, The energy from the fight was used to help revive Buu, however some of it was taken from Gohan. Furthermore at this point, this battle is its own sub plot, and within that sub plot, the fight was *whispers* meaningless. Goku could have gone SS3 and played badminton with vegats spine, thus rendering the whole spectacle null and void in the eyes of any Saiyan.

ITCD = 5, This mentally disturbed anti-hero, finally let out all his passion, hatred and desires. Revealing that the old him was very much still lurking in the shadows like an immortal cockroach, yet through this insane self-serving choice, he actually managed to exercise his demons. So much so that in the end, he sacrificed himself for his family.

Emotiveness = 5, By this point in DBZ Vegeta is already the greatest character in anime tv history, and after this twisted stunt he became the most superbly fleshed out character ever in the history of eyeballs. And although Goku is bae, part of me wanted for the sake of trunk’s teenage years for Vegeta to win. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or cheer! What a moment, what a man. (here’s a sly link to a poem i wrote about Vegeta The Dying Planet & The Prince)

Badassness = 5, How badass?

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Animation = 4, If i was comparing it to that animation of the Cell saga then it would get a 5, but as the shows visual excellence leveled up for pretty much the whole Buu saga, i had to consider this new status quo and give it a reduced score of 4.

EOVMS = 4, This had everyone losing their minds; Babidi was questioning what calibre of jiive he just bore witness too, Goku was ready to blast the supreme kai’s face off, Vegeta’s own wife was crying tears of disbelief into the ashes of blown up chelsea fans. However more importantly, the main villain of the arc Majin buu was blissfully unaware as he slept dreaming of cake. A technicality i know, but i have to be harsh, if i want to discover what is the GREATEST HM IN ANIME HISTORY.

 

11 – One Piece, Sabaody Archipelago Arc

Luffy punching a Celestial Dragon – 25

Good lord this punch was drenched in justice! You won’t ever see a more righteous wallop to the face in your life! Even if you lived all your days in the old testament, screaming Moses is some any b****.

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ITPO = 4, This magnificent punch of malice ridden centrifugal forces, set a few things in motion. For example, the Straw Hats being enemies of perhaps the most powerful group in the show – The Celestial Dragons. There bounties increasing even further, the number and scale of the government forces that came to the Archipelago #pacaficta, and the other super nova’s recognising their captain’s reckless character and moral compass. In particular this i believe was when Trafalgar Law began to see the makings of someone he could work with. However, a lot of that is my personal theories, that as of yet are unconfirmed. Therefore i couldn’t give it a 5.

ITCD = 1, that score maybe surprising to some, but ask yourself, did he do anything you weren’t expecting him to do? Although a glories 10sec in our lives, we learnt nothing new about him because of it.

Emotiveness = 5, You could have easily guessed that. But what more can I say about it?? that perhaps he actually didn’t punch him hard enough?! That this punch made me understand the true purpose of a clenched fist?! That the story’s similarities to the enslavement of africans by ‘the white man’, gave the punch a cultural, political and emotional gravitas unseen since Obama’s inauguration?!

The Celestial Dragons are the WORST, and I wish them a thousand sufferings.

Badassness = 5, to explain this simply, it’s like Kendrick Lamar slowly walking up to Donald Trump during his victory speech, and while surrounded by all the president’s armed guards, *nigerian accent* SLAPPING the holy spirit out of him.

Animation = 5, I think the fact that you can actually see conscious reasoning leave his body upon impact, says it all.

EOVSM = 5, Because this B****** didn’t perish into the afterlife, you were able to find out afterwards how badly this affected his whole understanding of maths, science and english.

Never has anyone ever even disobeyed these people let alone laid a finger on them. #luffy #winning

To be continued very soon! Next up 10 -1!


© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2015. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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A Sonnet For My Flesh

 

This is my first ‘sonnet’, and it’s about the way my relationship with my body is such that it’s almost become its own separate entity. The suffering we’ve endured over the years and my instinctive inward concealing of sadness, has created a relationship where i communicate with it like a well travelled brother in arms. I think this inner conversation with oneself/body is something that most competitive athletes/sportspeople can relate too.

 

Together We Walk, Run, Fly

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Feelings of fatigue permeate through the sweat and the truth.

Never have I known a stronger one, of all things – your patience I want.

Sometimes, I don’t listen. I am selfish, a spirit enamored and recluse.

Stay with me and fight, protect what’s held close, and breathe until I can’t.

Remember me when I’m gone, transient, leaving sorrows with you and the earth.

I may be given to another, however, ours is ours, the memories – heroes and all.

Heroes – the first arched goal in the battle for the feather – the return from hurt.

All – your velocity with me from birth, despite that, I surrendered, ignored the voice, your call.

The pause, the return. Eleven point six was the measure of love,

Never before have two embraced as we did that day, a passion forged in the red.

Always my shield, battered, bent, and unbroken. Deflector of the arrows above.

Where now? Glory and death both lie at the edge. If I peer over will you be fed?

Lets go into the uncharted together, what’s mine is mine so take my hand.

Lets love, cry and fear for his sake, what’s mine – his plan – is mine – his hand.

By Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh


© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2015. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Last Poem for a while…

This poem was inspired by a singular feeling the song Gangsta Way – Chris Brown ft French Montana brought about in me. It’s something I do from time to time, and it’s fascinating because I usually don’t know what the poem is about until it’s almost fully written.

This poem is about that moment of sometimes illogical guilt and sadness you feel, when meeting eyes with someone from your estate block that you used to share childhood happiness with. However, now for various unfortunate & not so unfortunate reasons you are living two very different lives and are unable to relate to one another.

Untitled

hoodie

 

I’m in my hood all day, it’s my gangster way.

 

The forward steps I take, shrouded – in a hood that takes away my pain.

If I obscure my face to you, does it shelter me from the ache that remains?

What do I regret as I walk? The cold that strokes me, reminds me of the same.

The guilt of fame? The miniscule mountains climbed, while in its crevasses you stayed.

 

I’m in my hood all day, it’s my gangster way.

 

It’s true because my heart resides in the same place as yours.

A language received differently to the sounds made.

You don’t understand me, So I put a smile in the same place as yours.

It helps briefly, do we connect meaningfully? We smile, but it’s a different shape to yours.

 

My broad shoulders attired in Jackets proofed from rain.

While you, standing just as you were born – cry endlessly.

My life, safe in the hands that claimed me – yours fought always.

Did you tire? You don’t appear as you did those days.

Retire from your path – the gangster way.

 

By Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh


© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2015. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Something different – an autobiographical piece.

The day my father left. Vol. 2

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When I decided to write this, I couldn’t decide whether to do it in the form of a poem or a ‘simple’ autobiographical prose. I’m still undecided as I begin to type these words into my laptop.

The inspiration to write this came while watching of A Monster Calls. The film was very rich in emotive subject matter – making you wonder what you would do in the boys situation – having to deal with something so gut-wrenching at twelve years of age. Which then got me thinking of what the most painful parts my life have been so far… instinctively I turned to football, and the plethora of physical and mental distresses I’ve suffered over the last ten years, at the hands of sporting injuries and comfort eating tendencies. However, that just reminded me of something unnerving that I’ve been feeling for a while…’Am I over that pain?’ In previous years when I’ve flirted with retirement, the swell of sadness and tears that rose from my belly, to bottleneck at the back of my throat whenever asked to think, or talk about those spirit choking incidences would be ever-present, but now was gone. Where were the tears? I can still see the wounds, but they’re no longer sore to the touch. Does not crying for long enough eventual create a desert of your soul? Answering this in the afore-mentioned context would take a whole separate piece dedicated solely to that aspect of my life. This story is not about that, but about the way that realisation caressed my heart towards an older chapter in my life i.e. Finding this previously deep well of emotion empty, I went looking for more pain in order to empathise with the plight of the boy in the movie.

Very strangely, I thought about the day my father told my brothers and me that he was leaving my mother. Strange because in hindsight, I can’t really recall when I’ve thought about that day and given it the credence it deserved as an emotionally traumatic event. Is that just down to my forever-optimistic personality? Although, now that optimism is far more tempered then in my youth, I like comparing it to child Naruto vs Adult Naruto. An anime character, who’s been through his fair share of life altering pain (for those who don’t know). Alternatively, and perhaps more tellingly; was this the first time I employed the repressive tactic that I have since used to bury all significant pain from the conscious surface? Because the more I thought about it the more I was awakened to the memory of how much it hurt. However as the title suggests this was not the first time my father was about to leave us, and peculiarly I can’t remember if I cried or not, but I do remember weeping like the child I was when he stormed out several years earlier. Although he returning something like an hour later, it didn’t prevent me from having to watch the relatively new older half-brother and sister, I loved like full siblings I’d known since birth prepare themselves to leave with him. Hear my mum – the strongest women walking Gods green earth, cry on the phone to her eldest sister as she pleaded for help and advise on how to reason with him. I remember my younger brother ask me why I’m crying? Then, my older half brother reprimanding him for such a foolish question. You may not believe this, but it was only when arriving at the second paragraph of this piece that I even remembered the emotional connection between the two events and thus changed the title – adding Vol.2, I guess that’s just how well those emotions were suppressed. Turning events that perhaps should have been potent psychological markers of emotional development, into hollow memories of something that flickers in and out of knowing, like the song you’re tired of hearing and always skip when it comes on.

Arriving at the third paragraph, I now know the purpose of this whole trip down memory lane. I believe that just simply acknowledging the pain I felt at the second and permanent time of my dad’s leaving, and giving that moment the importance it warrants, will make me a healthier person. Therefore, I want to recall everything that happened a late afternoon in nineteen ninety-eight.

I can’t accurately remember if the sun was definitely still out, or exactly who else was in the house. Nevertheless, I remember my dad sitting the brother who directly follows me and myself down at the dinner table – my other sibling, and the youngest of my mum’s children may or may not have been there too, I can remember. Perhaps because I wasn’t brave enough to turn to my left at any point throughout my dad’s speech and look at the expressions on their faces. I do on the other hand have an ingrained image of my mum sitting on the sofa at the other side of the room; the whole time he spoke, she wore that unique pouted face of hers – complete defiance at the sorrow being brought into her life again – anger and sadness in equal measure.

My dad explained that he and my half siblings would be going to live with his girl friend ( for lack of a better word), the words passed through me easily, like on some level I had been expecting them. However, they still hurt, in a way that I don’t think I could fully process at the time, largely due to the lack of understanding of the knock on effect of such a decision on me personally and the family dynamic in the future. He made sure to keep repeating that although he was leaving, that in no way meant that he didn’t love us, something I believed without question. I remember feeling comfort at hearing the anger in his voice when exclaiming that if any of my mother’s family said that he didn’t love us, we were to tell him immediately. I guess that familiar anger and assertiveness made me feel that my dad was still the man I’d known my whole life.

I also have the image of my older half-sister crying when it came time to say good-bye to us, I think my older half-brother was too, but can’t say for definite. To be honest I’m not sure if I was crying or not at this point, but I would be very surprised if I weren’t. I wasn’t as good as I am now at releasing everything but the rain. I really can’t picture my two younger brother’s faces…it’s frustrating, perhaps I feared that looking at them and adding their pain to my own would be too much for my young spirit to handle…I wish I could have been more mature during the immediate aftermath and given them some kind of comfort through encouraging words or physical affection. But alas, my inability to show physical affection to family members is a story for another day. I do find some solace in the knowledge that over the coming years, I took on board some of the parental duties of a father with my youngest brother, who’s face on that day I achingly STILL can’t remember. What difference would it make anyway, I’m not a time traveller…I can’t go back and put my arms around him…so l shouldn’t dwell. The chronology of some events of that day are a bit messed up, therefore I’m not sure when exactly, or even if on the same day, but I remember my uncle in our house. He was passionately beating his chest as he yelled that he would be there for us for whatever we needed, and so, we shouldn’t worry or be down hearted. It was an inspiring moment to me…but in hindsight, I’m not sure how much of that help actually materialised.

Funnily enough, it wasn’t until years later once utilising the lens of young adulthood, did I start to put together all the little insidious events that lead to that day. The awareness of which, to my recollection, didn’t pain me, most likely due to my own personal experiences of the complexity of adult relationships. Moreover, how love is neither everlasting nor a guarantee of relationship cohesion. But most importantly, that my parents are only human and can make mistakes. Still, it’s a shame when some of your fondest and purest childhood memories become tainted with a mature truth.

Conceivably, I may be being too harsh on myself, and it’s actually the thick inescapable casserole of my; cultural environment, parental upbringing and genetic pre-disposition that created the perpetually pain repressing person I am today. Not poor emotional choices at key moments in my life. However, I guess that’s just another chicken and egg conundrum. Saying all that, whatever part my eternal reservoir of optimism has had to play in this psychological coping strategy, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Furthermore, perhaps there were more pros to suppressing the pain of that day and any other traumatic events in my life. It allowed me to not be derailed from my daily, weekly, or monthly path and thus continue pursuing my dreams with less social and academic strife.

Sorry for the dramatic change in topic and tone of my writing this week. It just felt right in that brief moment of clarity to write this piece, raw and un-drafted. At its onset, there was nothing particular I expected to gain personally, or for you guys to individually. I just hoped that listening to me express these years old uncovered feelings would not be too dreary for you. As a bonus, it was truly a cathartic experience for me, thank you for reading.

By Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh


© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2015. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.